My friend Amy is back with a hilarious bachelor recap! This season was one for the books.
No, Juan Pablo, It’s NOT OK!!
Well, another dramatic season of
the Bachelor has come to a close and I think all of the viewers, ABC, Chris
Harrison and the rejected bachelorettes are in agreement….Juan Pablo is an
asshat! Ey yi yi!!! On to the recap!
After Andi wisely took herself out
of the running for J.P.’s ummm “heart”
we are left with Clare (the girl who was slut shamed yet continues to put out)
and Neeeekki (the low rent Ali). We are
still in St. Lucia
and the whole Galvais family, including the cousin with man braces, is here to
join in the fun. The episode was so
boring I’m only going to hit the highlights.
First, both girls meet the family and have the same discussions we have
sat through every final rose. The only
conversation of note was when J.P’s mom told Clare what we all have been
think….her son is an ass and sometimes need to know when to shut up. Preaching to the choir mamacita!
The ladies go on their final
dates, which amounts to their last chance to show the world just how pathetic
they really are. Nikki’s final day was
pretty drama free. But Clare bear, oh
honey, this was a shit show!! Clare and
JP take a “romantic” helicopter ride, which to me looks like the WORST possible
date as I would be convinced the hack flying the copter is going to run us into
the trees or the ocean. As they are
landing, J.P. whispers some sweet nothings into Clare’s ear that drive her into
a tizzy. All she will say is that his
words were offensive and something no woman should ever hear from a man. However, instead of hopping back in the copter and leaving his
ass on the island, she takes his hand and continues their date. She confronts him later that evening and
J.P. does what J.P. does best, talks a whole lot of bullshit and somehow gets
back in Clare’s pants….oh honey L The reaction from the live audience is
priceless. My girl Sharlene is having
none it and neither are our favorite couples Mr. and Mrs. Grown Sexy and Des
and her 2nd choice guy (I don’t even remember his actual name).
Rose ceremony day. Neil
Lane doesn’t even bother showing up to this train
wreck but we do get a shot of a ring as our Rico Suave puts it in his
pocket. First, Clare walks up and it is
super awkward because Juan Pablo doesn’t speak (shocker I know). So Clare starts talking and talking. Finally, J.P. dumps her and goes in for the
good bye hug, and Clare is all like
“HELL NO.” She lays into him for being a
supreme douche and walks away….well done Clare Bear, should’ve done this back
in ‘Nam but proud of you nonetheless.
As she is walking away we finally learn what Senor Shithead whispered to
her in the helicopter….”I don’t know you that well, but I sure love f^%$ing
you.” Then , to fully what a jackass he
is, J.P. turns to the camera, smirks and says “damn, glad I didn’t pick
her!” Wow, just wow! But hey, he is just being honest!
Nikki gets the final rose but no
ring. Now Neil Lane hates Juan Pablo too
because he is getting gipped on his product placement advertising.
We move directly to the live
After the Final Rose. Clare opted not to
show up and confront Juan Pablo because she hates him. I sort of wish her beast of a sister would
have shown up to ream J.P., that would have been must see TV!!! Then the “happy” couple show up. Nikki looks super uncomfortable and Juan
Pablo has a shit eating grin the entire time.
Chris probes into what is going on with their relationship and J.P.
refuses to talk because this is a private relationship (that started on
national TV…umm OK). He won’t tell Nikki
he loves her and is super vague about everything. Sean and Catherine tell him not to “bite the
hand that fed him.” Of course this
metaphor is lost on our ESL Bachelor, Chris attempts to explain but halfway in
says never mind, he is so over this guy it is hilarious.
This whole interaction leave the
audience with a few mysteries 1) what was the planned surprise that Chris asked
J.P about. which J.P. played dumb about (hmmm if you are an idiot already can
you really “play dumb?”) and 2) what was the thing that happened after the
women tell all that changed their plans.
I did some blog research yesterday and thanks to Reality Steve, I
cracked the case! Apparently, there was
a monetary offer on the table for Juan Pablo to propose to Nikki at the live
finale. He made ABC think he was doing
it but had no intention of going through with it and wanted to make everyone
look dumb….pssst Juan Pablo….this is called biting the hand that fed you! The thing that happened two weeks ago was,
because there are so many Juan Pablo haters,
ABC put the kibosh on casting him on Dancing with the Stars. He and Nikki were all set to move to L.A. to
keep up their farce of a relationship for DWTS but that ain’t
happening….EVER! In fact I am pretty
sure ABC wants to pretend this whole season never happened, as do most of the
rest of us.
