Hi, I am Amy and I am excited to be a Single in the Second City guest blogger. Just like Lindsay, I am a single (and fabulous) lawyer-wining, dining and dating my way around this amazing city. Can't wait to share my hilariously terrible online dating experiences, fabulous (or not so fabulous) restaurants reviews, trashy TV recaps and crazy stories about things that would only happen to me.
The
Most Un-Dramatic Two Day Bachelor Event EVER (Part 1)
To quote the ever eloquent Juan Pablo “ey yi yi,” this is
the biggest snoozefest of a Bachelor ever!
To make things more interesting I came up with a little drinking
game….every time Juan Pablo says “eeeeessss OK,” “ey yi yi,” “WOW”, “I like that (girl/place/inanimate
object/etc),” “I don’t know what that
word means” or ackwardly touches a woman’s face – take a drink…On second
thought this could be dangerous...On to the recap!
Monday night was the hometown dates and we are left with
these ladies:
Clare – the girl with dead daddy issues who had sex with JP
in the Vietnamese Ocean, was subsequently slut shamed by JP, and still did not
have the self-respect to walk away
Neeeekkiiiii – the pediatric nurse who looks like a stripper
version of Ali
Renee – the single mom from Florida who theoretically he
should pick since they actually have two things in common – the ability to
procreate and living in the state of Florida
Andi – the southern prosecutor who is way too good for this
shit
First up is the hometown of Neeekkiii, so we jet set off to
Kansas City, MO home of gas station BBQ.
JP is WOWED by the amazingness that is BBQ ribs. Then naturally, they go ride a mechanical
bull because that is always a good idea on a full stomach?! Finally, dinner at casa de Neeekkiiii. It was pretty dull. She wants to tell JP she loves him but chickens
out…waa waa.
For our next destination date we are off to HOT-lanta! I am pretty sure they met at the
Botantical Gardens, I know this because
I have been there with my favorite little men Ethan and Everett (who
coincidentally at ages 5 and 3 have more brain power than JP). They head off to the shooting range. I had a fleeting hope that Andi would put all
of us out of our misery and shoot JP, but alas it was not to be. Come on Andi, DO IT FOR CAMILLA!!!!!! After shooting things, they are off to Andi’s
home where we are introduced to the best dad EVER!! Hy Dorfman, you are the dad all of us want to
bring our loser boyfriends home to!! He
does not mince words, openly despised JP
and under no uncertain circumstances did NOT give JP permission to marry his
little pookie. It is a damn good thing
he was not at the gun range because I think we really would have had the most
dramatic Bachelor ever.
Next up Sarasota, FL for our date with Renee and little
Ben. The date starts off at Ben’s Little
League game. He is quite the little
all-star playing like every position. JP
interacts with Ben and it is pretty sweet actually. They go to Renee’s house and meet the
fam. Nothing too exciting goes down
here. For the second time in this
episode a bachelorette wants to drop the L-bomb but chickens out….or uses some
sense depends on what producer is manipulating the scene.
Finally, we get to visit Clare’s hometown in Sacramento,
CA. Clare takes JP to a special rose
garden where she goes to think about her dad L She shares sad stories and they throw rocks
in the water…should have aimed at his head Clare!!! I was just thankful they didn’t do it in the
pond and Clare didn’t liken any of her “feelings” to baby giraffes or whatever
nonsense she was spewing back in ‘Nam.
They the head to Clare’s house and shit really starts to get weird. This whole scene was so spliced together and
edited I had no idea WTF was going on.
Clare’s sister Lara was constantly jumping in to “protect” her mom from
manipulation, Clare couldn’t talk to her, JP couldn’t talk to her…it was just
weird. Maybe Lara and Hy need to join
forces to take down JP….the next Celebrity Death Match maybe??
Finally, this dreadful episode is over and Renee is sent
packing. Super nice of you to screw with
the single mom and her kid. You’re a
peach Juan Pablo!
The
Most Un-Dramatic Two Day Bachelor Event EVER (Part 2)
It’s night two of the two day Bachelor event. We are now to the Fantasy Suite dates and we
all know what happens in the Fantasy Suite doesn’t always stay in the Fantasy
Suite. Full disclosure, I was a little
tipsy when I watched last night’s episode so I may be missing certain details. I must have been playing my Bachelor
drinking game at the wine tasting I went to after work
The episode teasers make it seem that something major goes
down during Andi’s overnight date….and per usual the teasers disappoint, but we
will get to that later.
Clare is up first.
They make out on a yacht all afternoon. At night, she does the obligatory “oh my
should I go to the Fantasy Suite?” thing that one girl ALWAYS does. It is extra annoying that the girl that
already put out, tries to pull this one over on us. Come on Clare, we know you prefer the ocean
for your bad girl behavior but get your butt to the Fantasy Suite and get to
know JP a little better. She goes, they
do it, but thankfully no baby giraffes were harmed in St Lucia.
Andi’s date is next.
They roam around the island and make out under a waterfall….i am pretty
sure I could hear the sound of Hy Dorfman breaking his glass as this scene
aired. Then they do their thing in the
fantasy suite and off to commercial.
When we return JP is talking about how great the night was and Andi says
the opposite, “I couldn’t wait to get
out of the Fantasy Suite….it was a nightmare.”
Dun dun dun…
I think I may have dozed off during Neeekkiiiii’s date. All I remember was her in an awful outfit on
a horse and obviously she goes to the fantasy suite. I don’t care enough to re-watch it.
Next we get some one on one time with Chris and JP. Chris makes a futile attempt to get JP to use
his words to describe how he is feeling about the ladies. JP uses all three of his words (I, like, and them) and we move on to the
videos. Clare and Neeekkkiii yammer on
about their love and this beautiful journey.
Andi, on the other hand, is basically like” jackass we need to talk.”
Andi and JP have their face off. Basically the nightmare that was the fantasy
suite was Andi was trapped for hours in a hotel room with an egotistical moron
who probably ran out of things to say within 5 minutes. He apparently only talked about himself and
his date last night with Clare. My
favorite part was when Andi called JP out on him calling her his default pick
and he replied “what is a default, I don’t know that word.” Seriously, I can’t make this shit up!! Andi dear, if it took you like 9 episodes to
realize this guy was stupid, I sincerely fear for the fate of Atlanta with you
as their rock star prosecutor L After lots more nonsense (pretty sure I
dozed off again), Andi followed in my home girl Sharlene’s footsteps and sent
herself packing. I so wish these two
could both be the next Bachelorette, like a tag team of smart girls!
Finally, the rose ceremony where I don’t think JP realized
that 2 roses and 2 girls standing meant EVERYONE GETS A ROSE!!! Oy vey!
Meanwhile in Atlanta, Hy is packing up his shot gun and
heading down to St Lucia for some JP huntin’.
See y’all next week
for the women tell all.
