The Most Un-Dramatic Two Day Bachelor Event EVER

Hi, I am Amy and I am excited to be a Single in the Second City guest blogger.  Just like Lindsay, I am a single (and fabulous) lawyer-wining, dining and dating my way around this amazing city. Can't wait to share my  hilariously terrible online dating experiences, fabulous (or not so fabulous) restaurants reviews, trashy TV recaps and crazy stories about things that would only happen to me.

The Most Un-Dramatic Two Day Bachelor Event EVER (Part 1)

To quote the ever eloquent Juan Pablo “ey yi yi,” this is the biggest snoozefest of a Bachelor ever!  To make things more interesting I came up with a little drinking game….every time Juan Pablo says “eeeeessss OK,”  “ey yi yi,” “WOW”,  “I like that (girl/place/inanimate object/etc),”  “I don’t know what that word means” or ackwardly touches a woman’s face – take a drink…On second thought this could be dangerous...On to the recap!

Monday night was the hometown dates and we are left with these ladies:

Clare – the girl with dead daddy issues who had sex with JP in the Vietnamese Ocean, was subsequently slut shamed by JP, and still did not have the self-respect to walk away

Neeeekkiiiii – the pediatric nurse who looks like a stripper version of Ali

Renee – the single mom from Florida who theoretically he should pick since they actually have two things in common – the ability to procreate and living in the state of Florida

Andi – the southern prosecutor who is way too good for this shit

First up is the hometown of Neeekkiii, so we jet set off to Kansas City, MO home of gas station BBQ.  JP is WOWED by the amazingness that is BBQ ribs.  Then naturally, they go ride a mechanical bull because that is always a good idea on a full stomach?!   Finally, dinner at casa de Neeekkiiii.  It was pretty dull.  She wants to tell JP she loves him but chickens out…waa waa.

For our next destination date we are off to HOT-lanta!  I am pretty sure they met at the Botantical  Gardens, I know this because I have been there with my favorite little men Ethan and Everett (who coincidentally at ages 5 and 3 have more brain power than JP).   They head off to the shooting range.  I had a fleeting hope that Andi would put all of us out of our misery and shoot JP, but alas it was not to be.  Come on Andi, DO IT FOR CAMILLA!!!!!!  After shooting things, they are off to Andi’s home where we are introduced to the best dad EVER!!  Hy Dorfman, you are the dad all of us want to bring our loser boyfriends home to!!  He does not mince words, openly despised  JP and under no uncertain circumstances did NOT give JP permission to marry his little pookie.  It is a damn good thing he was not at the gun range because I think we really would have had the most dramatic Bachelor ever.

Next up Sarasota, FL for our date with Renee and little Ben.  The date starts off at Ben’s Little League game.  He is quite the little all-star playing like every position.  JP interacts with Ben and it is pretty sweet actually.   They go to Renee’s house and meet the fam.  Nothing too exciting goes down here.  For the second time in this episode a bachelorette wants to drop the L-bomb but chickens out….or uses some sense depends on what producer is manipulating the scene.

Finally, we get to visit Clare’s hometown in Sacramento, CA.  Clare takes JP to a special rose garden where she goes to think about her dad L   She shares sad stories and they throw rocks in the water…should have aimed at his head Clare!!!  I was just thankful they didn’t do it in the pond and Clare didn’t liken any of her “feelings” to baby giraffes or whatever nonsense she was spewing back in ‘Nam.   They the head to Clare’s house and shit really starts to get weird.   This whole scene was so spliced together and edited I had no idea WTF was going on.  Clare’s sister Lara was constantly jumping in to “protect” her mom from manipulation, Clare couldn’t talk to her, JP couldn’t talk to her…it was just weird.   Maybe Lara and Hy need to join forces to take down JP….the next Celebrity Death Match maybe??

Finally, this dreadful episode is over and Renee is sent packing.  Super nice of you to screw with the single mom and her kid.  You’re a peach Juan Pablo!

The Most Un-Dramatic Two Day Bachelor Event EVER (Part 2)

It’s night two of the two day Bachelor event.   We are now to the Fantasy Suite dates and we all know what happens in the Fantasy Suite doesn’t always stay in the Fantasy Suite.   Full disclosure, I was a little tipsy when I watched last night’s episode so I may be missing certain details.   I must have been playing my Bachelor drinking game at the wine tasting I went to after work  

The episode teasers make it seem that something major goes down during Andi’s overnight date….and per usual the teasers disappoint, but we will get to that later. 

Clare is up first.  They make out on a yacht all afternoon.  At night, she does the obligatory “oh my should I go to the Fantasy Suite?” thing that one girl ALWAYS does.   It is extra annoying that the girl that already put out, tries to pull this one over on us.   Come on Clare, we know you prefer the ocean for your bad girl behavior but get your butt to the Fantasy Suite and get to know JP a little better.   She goes, they do it, but thankfully no baby giraffes were harmed in St Lucia.

Andi’s date is next.  They roam around the island and make out under a waterfall….i am pretty sure I could hear the sound of Hy Dorfman breaking his glass as this scene aired.   Then they do their thing in the fantasy suite and off to commercial.  When we return JP is talking about how great the night was and Andi says the opposite,  “I couldn’t wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite….it was a nightmare.”  Dun dun dun…

I think I may have dozed off during Neeekkiiiii’s date.  All I remember was her in an awful outfit on a horse and obviously she goes to the fantasy suite.   I don’t care enough to re-watch it.

Next we get some one on one time with Chris and JP.  Chris makes a futile attempt to get JP to use his words to describe how he is feeling about the ladies.  JP uses all three of his words  (I, like, and them) and we move on to the videos.  Clare and Neeekkkiii yammer on about their love and this beautiful journey.  Andi, on the other hand, is basically like” jackass we need to talk.”

Andi and JP have their face off.  Basically the nightmare that was the fantasy suite was Andi was trapped for hours in a hotel room with an egotistical moron who probably ran out of things to say within 5 minutes.  He apparently only talked about himself and his date last night with Clare.  My favorite part was when Andi called JP out on him calling her his default pick and he replied “what is a default, I don’t know that word.”  Seriously, I can’t make this shit up!!   Andi dear, if it took you like 9 episodes to realize this guy was stupid, I sincerely fear for the fate of Atlanta with you as their rock star prosecutor L    After lots more nonsense (pretty sure I dozed off again), Andi followed in my home girl Sharlene’s footsteps and sent herself packing.  I so wish these two could both be the next Bachelorette, like a tag team of smart girls!

Finally, the rose ceremony where I don’t think JP realized that 2 roses and 2 girls standing meant EVERYONE GETS A ROSE!!!  Oy vey! 

Meanwhile in Atlanta, Hy is packing up his shot gun and heading down to St Lucia for some JP huntin’.

 See y’all next week for the women tell all.